Crime of the Century (Online Chat Division)

KENNEWICK, Wa., March 18 -- A seventeen-year-old youth robbing the Bella Office Furniture store in Kennewick (pop: 63,216 in July 2008) took a five-hour break from his work to use the store's computer to scan his MySpace account, attempt to sell stolen items (presumably, the ones he was in the act, or had been in the act, of stealing) and, inevitably, watch pornography, according to a March 18 story in the Tri-City Herald ("The Voice of Mid-Columbia/Kennewick, Pasco and Richland, Wash.")
   Police later learned the burglar's identity via his MySpace page and arrested him Tuesday on a charge of first-degree burglary. 
   This, you see, proves that the newest Inter-nets generation really has no attention span a'tall, and that criminals just ain't what they used to be. The burglars of yore would be aghast. 
   
     

Crime of the Century (God Has Spoken Division)

   A paying guest at the Best Western Albion Inn, at 27644 C. Drive North, in Albion, MI (pop. roughly 10,000), allegedly fired a gun into the bed, a window, the walls and the ceiling of his room Sunday morning. 
   He then surrendered to police, according to a Feb. 28 article in the Jackson Citizen-Patriot, the newspaper of record in Jackson, MI. 
   There is as yet no indication why the man, who is fifty-three, and whose name authorities declined to release, took such extreme action. It is not impossible that he objected to the decor in his room. An Albion Inn room (not the man's) is shown in this photo. It appears to be decorated with a green patterned carpet, a chair upholstered in colors not suitable for man or beast, and a fake wood night stand. 
   These sorts of embellishments are de rigueur for this type of lodging. It is a wonder only that more such rooms haven't been used for target practice, especially those featuring paintings of: a.) flying ducks; b.) a windswept sea; c.) "modern art" shapes; or d.) God and his angels. 
   Speaking of which, the man, who hails from Dearborn Heights, MI, left a note on the ceiling that read, "God delivered me from evil and placed me in Albion, Michigan," which, on the face of it, seems an extremely odd thing for God to do. But then, leaving a note on the ceiling seems an extremely odd thing for a human to do, so perhaps they're even.
   The man was taken to the Calhoun County jail and charged with felonious assault, possession of a firearm while committing a felony, destruction of property and reckless discharge of a firearm, according to a Calhoun County Sheriff's Office release quoted in the Citizen-Patriot. In other words, they're throwin' the book at him. 
   An arraignment and mental evaluation are pending. In addition to firing a pistol willy-nilly about his room, the man also placed an alarm clock in the microwave and turned the oven on. 

   Whatever the aberrant psychological dimensions of his other acts, this seems perfectly sane and sound. Is there a human being who has awoken to the sleep-shattering sounds of an alarm clock and not wanted to bake the blasted thing in the microwave? It is regrettable only that the man didn't fire his pistol into the clock nine or ten times before incinerating it.