Queer Notes from All Over (AZ. Politician Says Same-Gender Marriage = Horse Love)

SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA, Arizona, March 18 -- A former six-term Arizona congressman (1994-2006) said recently that the November 2003 Massachusetts Judicial Supreme Court decision allowing same-gender marriage could lead to a man being legally allowed to marry his horse, Huffington Post blogger Sam Stein noted Monday. 

   The apparently very strange man, who is named J.D. Hayworth, has unfairly overlooked all kinds of animals, and this is sad. One would, if one could, marry one's cat, Comma, but only, one admits, for the tax breaks and the veterinary hospital visitation rights. 

  Perhaps, to be fair, Hayworth agrees. Stein quoted the Orlando radio station WORL as quoting Hayworth. Do you see? It's like a game of telephone. It is possible that Hayworth originally said "man-cat marriage," and a WORL reporter, one who favors horses, changed the quote. It's hard to say.

   Either way, Hayworth said, according to Stein---->WORL, that in its decision, the Mass. Supreme Court defined marriage as "now get this - it defined marriage as simply, quote, 'the establishment of intimacy.'"


          "The Voluntary Union Of"


   The HuffPo's Stein points out in a followup piece there is no such provision in the decision, which defines marriage as "the voluntary union of spouses, to the exclusion of all others." 
   When MSNBC talk show host Rachel Maddow asked Hayworth about the discrepancy the next day, he said, "You and I can have a disagreement about that," and closed down the interview - not a response to inspire confidence in the man's confidence in his comments. 
    Intimacy, voluntary union of spouses - feh. These are mere details, and Hayworth, like all politicians and crazy people (redundancy), wasn't about to let them stand in the way of a good barnyard yarn the day he spoke to WORL. 

   "I mean," he went on, "I don't mean to be absurd about it, but I guess I can make the point of absurdity with an absurd point - I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse."

   This is a syllogism long favored by far-rightist lawmakers and religionists eager to demonize homosexuals. They link homosexuality with pedophilia, incest and bestiality ("I guess you could marry your horse"). Of course, homosexuality - and its open-hearted manifestation, gay and lesbianism - has naught to do with any of those categories. 
   Hayworth concluded: "It's the wrong way to go, and the only way to protect the institution of marriage is with that federal amendment that I support." 
   It should be noted that Hayworth, a Republican, is challenging John McCain for his Senate seat. The comments, then, were uttered in the context of an Arizona political campaign, and are therefore calculated to harm Hayworth's opponent. By saying he "supports" marriage legislation, Hayworth corners McCain: if the sitting Senator does not say he "supports" marriage legislation - in this case in the form of a constitutional amendment legislatively defining marriage, a loathsome concept to some who revere the Constitution in its present, quite workable form - he stands to lose votes on the right-wing fringe. 


    Statement Clarified Comments? No


   Hayworth released a statement the following day clarifying his man-horse-nuptials comments. Oh, wait: no he didn't. He issued a statement standing by the comments, and he did it using every cliched talking point from the Republican playbook. The statement is a case study in the calculated uses of repetition and coded language. Orwell would be proud. Let's have a look. (Cliches are in bold, translation in italics.)
   "[S]adly, the liberal media [Rachel Maddow is a dyke] intent on defending the ultra-leftist, progressive [caring] politicians in Massachusetts [gay], are attacking me [I am running for the Senate] for standing up [I am running for the Senate] once again for family values [vote for me] and for rejecting this absurd court ruling. 
   "But they don't intimidate me at all. [My campaign chest runneth over.] I know right from wrong [I plan to win] and as a staunch defender of marriage [politician who needs votes] I know I can count of millions of supporters [voters] across America [Arizona] to stand with me [vote for me] when our values are under attack [I am down in the polls] and when I am under attack [I am down in the polls] for standing up [I am running for the Senate] to defend those values [hustle for votes]."
   The tally: 
   *Liberal media - 1
   *Ultra-leftist, progressive - 1
   *Attacking me/under attack - 3
   *Values - 3
   *Standing (up, with me, etc.) - 3
   So you see, repetition gets a message across. And Hayworth, a craven nacissist, knows that. Hayworth, a craven narcissist, knows that. Hayworth, a craven narcissist, knows that.


           Knowledge is Power

   Back, for a moment, to the man-horse business. One idly wonders why far-rightist heterosexual lawmakers and religionists show such a wide-ranging and intimate knowledge of pedophilia, incest and bestiality. Is it because these are the hallmarks of the "family unit," which these lawmakers and God-talkers so deeply revere? Alas, we shall never know. 

   One is less surprised at talk of a Constitutional "marriage" amendment. Heterosexuals evidently have so little faith in the institution of marriage that some feel the need to legislate "protection" of it. This does not inspire a deep sense of trust either in them or in their hallowed tradition. 

   Gays and lesbians enthused about getting hitched should take note. 

Crime of the Century (Tears of a Clown Division)

   Give Tampa, Fla., (pop. roughly 303,000) a pass if you like to relax by dressing as a clown while, say, running errands on your day off. It is illegal for an adult over sixteen there to wear a mask or any kind of disguise - even on Halloween.    
   So learned Matthew David Lopez, eighteen, of 7003 Ponderosa Drive, who was jailed Tuesday and charged with wearing a clown mask on a public road, according to a Feb. 24 report in the St. Petersburg Times. 
   Deputies noticed Lopez and two other people walking on a city street. Quoting an arrest affidavit, the Times reported that "[w]hat caught a deputy's attention was Lopez's masked face with a bright red-and-orange wig." 
   That's not an easy sentence to parse. But if one understands it correctly, Lopez had accessorized a clown mask with an extremely festive wig. This shows great taste. It'd be preferable if deputies arrested people who accessorized their clown masks with, for example, feces wigs, making them Shithead Clowns and therefore candidates for life imprisonment, or politics. 
   Deputies followed Lopez and his cohorts in an unmarked vehicle. When a marked police cruiser presently arrived, Lopez et al. ran away. Neither police nor the Times indicated if Lopez was wearing bright red oversized clown shoes, the kind that make a SLAP!-SLAP!-SLAP! sound. They  would have made escape tricky. 
   It also would have been embarrassing for police, who lost Lopez and Co. To the relief of clown haters the world over, authorities eventually did find the trio, and Lopez was tossed - wig-less and mask-less, one assumes - in the can. 
   One wishes for more creative policing. In a perfect world, when deputies spotted Lopez the Clown they would have swiftly donned fake mustaches and Bobby hats and chased Lopez round and round and round in a circle, tripping over themselves and inadvertently bashing each other in the face with their truncheons. 

   For his part, Lopez appears sanguine. In the picture accompanying the Times article, reproduced here, Lopez has an air of comfortable whimsy about him. (It's in the eyes.) This is good news. Often, clowns are laughing on the outside but crying within. 

   Incidentally, a 2006 study by the University of California at Los Angeles School of Law noted that 6.1 percent of Tampa residents identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual - one of the highest per capita rates in the U.S. But Tampa gay men of a certain age need not fret: a face made shiny by Botox and filler injections does not, under Tampa law, count as a mask or disguise. 
   However, if such a man accessorizes such a face with a bright red-and-orange wig, he should be arrested for: a.) impersonating Carrot Top and/or b.) being a Fuckhead Clown.