Crime of the Century (A Rose by Any Other Name Division)

EAST HANOVER TOWNSHIP, Pa. -- Last July, a man who goes by the winning moniker of David Kliss posted two protest signs in the yard of his house at 436 Pheasant Road, in East Hanover Township.

   That each featured the word "CRAP" drew a swift and sound rebuke from the township enforcement agency, according to a Sept. 21 report on Philly.com, the Web site of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

   Mr. Kliss, not one to take any "CRAP" lying down, recently filed suit, in the U.S. District Court in Scranton, Pa., against the town for denying his constitutional rights to freedom of speech, press, petitioning government and due process. 

   Will a major legal shit storm follow? It is difficult to imagine otherwise. 

   The township contends that the signs violated a zoning ordinance holding that, "No Loud, Vulgar, Indecent or Obscene Advertising matter shall be displayed in any manner." 

   (This is a direct quote from the Inquirer. Presumably, staff writer Peter Mucha lifted it from the actual ordinance. To capitalize any words other than the sentence-launching "No" seems an odd if endearing affectation. Maybe it dates back to days when Some words Were Given prominence by Capitalizing Them. It is possible that this grammatical oddity was even applied to words and phrases having to do with Tangy butt Nuts.)

   The Inquirer reports that the brouhaha began when the township mandated, for residents, a sewer tie-in. Not being familiar with the processing of keester cakes, we here at First of All have no idea what that is. But Mr. Kliss knew it would cost him thousands of dollars. 

   In response, he posted the signs, which read, "$10,000 TO TAKE A CRAP." The following week the butt driblet-like township enforcers not only notified Mr. Kliss that he needed a zoning permit to post the signs, but also that the signs were, as the Inquirer put it, "illegally attached to trees on a right-of-way property."

   The township enforcers appear to possess a stupefying level of pettiness. Even casual observers might be hard pressed not to consider them a bunch of ass-sneezing sewer serpents.

   This may not, however, be a surprise to anyone familiar with East Hanover Township. It is a smallish place - thirty-nine square miles - with a population of just 5,400. So notes the town Web site, which also contains this historical nugget: "East Hanover Township was part of the original West Hanover Township in Dauphin County. In 1842, West Hanover Township was split into three separate municipalities; West Hanover Township, East Hanover Township, and South Hanover Township." 

   Is it us, or is it getting dizzy in here? 

   The area was settled by Scotch-Irish and German people. Their descendants, at least those on the township enforcement agency, appear to be upholding the possibly unfair cliche, endemic at least to our Germanic friends, of having a penchant for humorless, niggling oppression. 

   Mr. Kliss, apparently no slouch in dealing with these types of corn-eyed butt snakes, relocated the signs to his lawn and painted over the word "CRAP." The Inquirer notes that "[H]e resisted the urge to use a synonym, such as dump, leaving the sign to read, '$10,000 TO TAKE A.'" 

   Perhaps the admirably law-abiding Mr. Kliss would have flown in under the township enforcement radar had he written, "$10,000 TO DROP SOME FRIENDS OFF AT THE LAKE," or "...BLOW MUD," or "...DROP A BLACK BANANA," or "...SQUEEZE OUT A FEW ASS GOBLINS," or "...SERVE A BOWL OF TOILET STEW."

   Mr. Kliss' suit contends that the township ordinance does not adequately define "vulgar," "indecent" and "obscene," and that the signs featured no offensive or graphic images. 

   His attorney, a man named Aaron Martin, has devised what at first appears an inspired legal strategy.    

  "In my brief," he told the Inquirer, "I used an episode of Seinfeld from 1993, in which the word 'crap' was used four times in fifteen seconds, to demonstrate that our society does not view that word as unspeakable."

   This strategy, however, is risky. It is arguable, and we will argue it, that Seinfeld, as a show and a cultural phenomenon, had all the appeal of a commode overflowing with hardened fudge nuggets. 

   The township, for its part, is playing things cool at the moment.

   "I don't think we're going to have any comment," township solicitor Scott Wyland told the Inquirer. "The matter is under review." 

   It is incidental, but for that no less thrilling, that Mr. Wyland is employed by a law firm with the stirring name of Hawke McKeon & Sniscak. It is comforting to know, in these chaotic times, that some law firms still sound like they exist in a Marx Brothers film. 

   Would that the East Hanover Township enforcers had such a jolly approach to life, rather than being content to stink up the place like a household bog swimming with blind eels. 

   

Queer Notes From all Over (Underwear Occasions Bad Writing Division)

SYDNEY, Australia, March 5 - Reuters Life!, evidently a life-style offshoot of the Reuters news wire service, reports that underwear in a new, "eco-friendly" AussieBum line are composed of twenty-seven percent banana fiber, sixty-four percent cotton and nine percent lycra. 
   The two-graf Reuters Life! report, though alluring, is hazy. It notes that the banana fiber, made from bark weave found in banana plants, "makes the underwear not only lightweight, but also very absorbent...." This sounds promising, but what there is for the underwear to absorb Reuters Life! does not say.
   Lloyd Jones, an AussieBum functionary, noted that if the undies were to contain any more than twenty-percent of the banana fiber, "it might get a bit squishy." Mmmmm. 
   Jones added, according to Reuters Life!, that "wearers did not have to worry about real monkeys, because the underwear does not smell like a banana." 
   What it does smell like Jones did not say, perhaps because, in a monumental journalistic oversight, the Reuters Life! reporter, a woman by the name of Amy Pyett, failed to ask him. Or perhaps she did and her editor, a woman named Miral Fahmy, simply cut the information. Alas, we shall never know. 
   We also cannot know whether it was Ms. Fahmy or a nameless copy-editor who wrote the hed (headline),  but whoever it was should be disciplined severely. It read: "Aussie Underwear Has Gone Bananas."
   And Ms. Fahmy really shouldn't have let Ms. Pyett get away with this lede (first paragraph): "Australian underwear company AussieBum has been monkeying around and the result is a range of men's underwear made with bananas." 
   Not only is that factually wrong - the ingredient is banana bark weave, not bananas - but it is exemplary of the kind of writing that is driving readers away  from newspapers and leading, you see, to the collapse of the Fourth Estate. 
   Here, for curious readers, are some examples of AussieBum underwear. I don't know whether or not they're the banana-bark-weave ones, but who cares? The pictures are lovely. 
   

Karl Rove, Douchebag, is "Proud" of Waterboarding

LONDON, England (The Home of Carnaby Street in the Swingin' Sixties), March 12 - Karl Rove, a former senior Bush administration advisor, told the BBC today that he is "proud" of the U.S. military's and intelligence agencies' use of waterboarding to obtain information from suspected terrorists, and said he did not consider the technique torture. 
   This would defy belief if it weren't for the fact that between 2000 and nearly eight years after that Mr. Rove lied and lied and lied and lied again to the American people, often through the mouth of George W. Bush, a man said to have been president at the time. 
   Like a willing circus monkey, Mr. Rove is currently swinging through the branches of the talk show jungle. He is pimping his new book, which will remain unnamed here; unless Mr. Rove is willing to share royalties, First of All sees no point a'tall in selling his snake-oil for him. 
   As to his claim that waterboarding is not torture, we do hope that Mr. Rove either has had the technique tested on him--to ensure its safety--or is willing to do so. 
   It would make a wonderful interlude on, say, Regis and Kelly:


   REGIS: YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!
   KELLY: YIP YIP YIP YIP!
   ROVE: As I told the BBC, I am proud we used techniques that broke the will of these terrorists. 
   REGIS: YAP YAP YAP YAP WATERBOARDING! 
   KELLY: OH MY GOD! YIP YIP YIP YIP LET'S TRY IT OUT!
   ROVE: GLUG GLUG GLUG. (Whoa. This sucks.)

Crime of the Century (Scorched Cheeks Division)

   Amon Carter IV has a totally hot butt.
   At least he did on January 8, according to news reports, when the Texas Christian University sophomore had Greek symbols from his fraternity and a sorority branded onto his buttocks. It happened during a frat/sorority party trip to Breckenridge, Colo. (Carter's face and charred assets are shown here. Why is this man smiling?)
   Breckenridge investigators said that no charges will be filed, as Carter willingly participated in the stunt, which was not a fraternity initiation ritual. Carter will require multiple surgeries on the second and third degree burns covering the cheeks in his lower forty.
   Incidentally, and tangentially, Carter is the great-grandson of Amon G. Carter, Sr., who founded the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. The Carter family is one of the most prominent in Ft. Worth. Carter, Sr., obviously  lived in a simpler time, when branding was reserved for the backsides of cattle, not heirs.