Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Crime of the Century (All Fall Down Division)

PICO RIVERA, Ca., Sept. 12, 2010 -- The grand if evidently malevolent plans of a local man named Jose Parada got smashed when Parada crashed through the ceiling of De Le Cruz Jewelry, in Pico Rivera, and landed more or less in the arms of sheriff's deputies searching for whoever might have been burgling the jernt. 
   A Sept. 11 report in the Whittier (CA) Daily News notes that deputies responded to a burglar alarm at an establishment with the charming name of William's Boots, at 9233 whittier Boulevard, at about seven a.m. that morning. Upon arrival, one officer saw a person moving about inside the jewelry store, which sits near the boot emporium.   
   Police officers, including a K-9 (or "dog") unit, searched the store. (Whitter Daily News staff writer Brian Day, not to be confused with Queen guitarist Brian May, reports that police "...called in a K-9 for a search...." Either Mr. Day meant to write, as First of All has just done, "a K-9... unit," or the organs of the mainstream media are showing an alarming informality when reporting about coppers and their mutts.)
   Deputies heard a noise coming from the attic. They ordered whoever hid there to show his face soonest, although it is possible that in the heat of the moment they said something more along the lines of, "Come out NOW, motherfucker!" 
   Perhaps Mr. Parada - for it was he in the attic - is a sensitive soul, or a religious one offended by references to Oedipal coitus. He declined the offer. Police shot pepper spray into the attic. This occasioned Mr. Parada's downfall. He actually fell through the ceiling -- or, as Los Angeles County Sheriff's Sgt. John Adams, not to be confused with America's second president, told the Daily News, "He actually fell through the ceiling." 
   A police dog ("a K-9") grabbed Mr. Parada's clothing, "but did not bite him," the Daily News reports. That detail is interesting. First of All is anything but cynical - ho ho - but it's difficult to imagine that the information did not come from police sources whose department would have a strong desire to forestall - don't you see? - a bite-related lawsuit. 
   Police believe, and so allege, that Mr. Parada (shown below), who is twenty-three and hails from Montebello, CA., burgled no fewer than three businesses along Whittier Boulevard, in Pico Rivera, on Saturday morning. Both Montebello and Pico Rivera have populations of roughly 65,000; could Mr. Parada's alleged burglaries be emblematic of a larger inter-burgh rivalry? The otherwise informative Whittier Daily News piece doesn't say, so it seems likely, and therefore sad, alas, that we shall never know. 
Jose Parada, 23, of Montebello

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