Crime of the Century (Armed, Spiritual and Drunk Division)

   The God-fearing people of a Kentucky town got the fear of God put into them on Sunday when a man disgruntled by family problems - and, to put it colloquially, drunk as a skunk - rode his horse to church with a gun holstered at his side. 
   The Danville (Ky.) Advocate-Messenger reported yesterday that Donald Howard Goode, forty-three, of 3295 Ky. 78, in Casey County (pop. roughly 16,000), entered the Ellisburg Baptist church bearing a grievance against a congregation member. Pastor Jerry Adams' wife, Cathy, said that the manner in which Goode was talking about his grievance "didn't make any sense. It was real frightening for us as a church." 
   Some men from the church led Goode outside and convinced him to surrender his pistol and a rifle he'd brought. The news report said nothing about the men's tactics, so there is no way to know if they simply spoke with Goode or if they furiously beat him about the head with, say, a stuffed rabbit or, for example, a cucumber. 
   Pastor Adams told Goode he could stay for the service if he behaved. In general terms, this likely meant no vomiting, self-pleasuring or texting. 
   When Casey Sheriff's Deputy Chad Weddle arrived, church members said they didn't want Goode arrested. 
   "He was having some family issues," Weddle said. "He was inside (the church), crying, weeping." 

   Along with Casey County police, state troopers also responded to the call of a man with a gun. 
   "Any time we hear that, obviously that gives us cause for concern," Trooper William Gregory said, sensibly enough. But, he added, Goode "was at church with a gun in a holster at his side, which is not illegal." So there's not much troopers could have done, short of using Goode for target practice if he so much as lifted a pinkie. 
   After Goode left the church, he went to a neighbor's house and created a "disturbance." News reports did not elaborate. We will never know, then, whether the soused Goode was a.) offering an ear-splitting a capella reading of Lady GaGa's "Poker Face;" b.) shooting at non-existent flying monkeys, or c.) alternately pleasuring himself and texting.
   Goode was arrested on a charge of alcohol intoxication. He was released later that evening from the Casey County Jail on his own recognizance, although there's no evidence that he recognized himself at that or any other time. 
   On an amusing side note, when the second Goode-related call came, Weddel, the Casey Sheriff's Deputy, was in a nearby area called Dry Fork Creek. He was attempting to locate a meth lab. Apparently, the good people of Casey County, Ky., really know how to party.